It's time someone taught Big Sam how to behave like a gentleman on a football pitch and, with my vast knowledge and experience, I'm not one to shirk a responsibility like that, now am I?
You see, Samuel, when you're the manager of a little, never-win-anything club like Bolton Wanderers, there's a certain etiquette to be followed when you play against Manchester United, Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and Newcastle United - hereafter referred to as the Big Five.
When sending your lads into action against any of the Big Five, your instructions are as follows. Play pretty-pretty football without ever threatening the opponents' goal. And under no circumstances are you to have any physical contact with a star player on the opposing team whose left foot cost more than your entire team put together.
Obey those simple rules of good manners, Sam, and your team will be heralded as a credit to Premiership football and you'll be invited into the office of the opposing manager after losing the game 6-0 and treated to a large glass of expensive red wine.
But you seem either ignorant of those rules or totally unable to obey them, don't you Mr Allardyce. Your team have now played every one of the Big Five and the manners of your players - indeed the manner in which they have played - has been truly appalling.
Your lads have shamelessly tackled players with sky-high reputations and salaries to match. Your players have wilfully disobeyed the good manners manual by refusing to roll over before being trampled on. And as a result not one of the Big Five have managed to beat your team this season.
Bad form, old boy. And look what's happened as a result. All that mud being hurled in your direction by the Big Five managers. Time- wasters. Long-ball exponents. Downright dirty or even "ugly" as one Big Five manager put. One step from a Sunday pub team.
Well, Mr Allardyce, you've brought all that criticism on yourself. It would never have happened in my day, you know. Little clubs then knew their station in life and behaved accordingly.
Now let's get in the real world because I've seen a fair bit of Bolton Wanderers this season.
On occasions, Bolton like to get the ball into their opponents' penalty area as quickly as possible - as do every one of the Big Five on occasions.
Bolton - always - will physically match their opponents tackle for tackle and will not be either intimidated or fearful of the reputations of the opposing players. Bolton make full use of the extraordinarily-long throw-ins taken by one of their principal players, Jay-Jay Okocha.
So would any of the Big Five if they had a player with Okocha's gift at their disposal.
Bolton - always - are a team which is never beaten until the final whistle blows ... as a certain Jose Mourinho now knows to his cost.
Put all those ingredients into the pan, shake well, and what have you got? A team which is a credit to itself, to the Premiership, to the town it represents and - most important of all - to the manager who has shaped it for one-fifth of what it cost Manchester United to sign Rio Ferdinand.
Can Bolton last the course and be seriously challenging for a Champions' League place come the end of the season? Of that I have no way of knowing. But I'm praying that they make it because nothing would be more healthier for the Premiership than for a smaller club like Bolton to smash the Big Five cartel.
If the Manager of the Year award was presented at Christmas and really did reflect the last 12 months, Sam Allardyce would walk away with it by a country mile ... even if his football manners leave a bit to be desired! Tweet
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Well done Paul Ince for your potrayal of Big Sam and his team, it has taken a few years for people like yourself to give Sam & BWFC the credit they deseve, especially the team as Sam is steeped in praise and rightly so. as a season ticket holder I have never had it so good so let's hope European football is achieved this year because if it is not, it will be next season, you see I am sounding like Big Sam now.
Dave Green
Bolton
Thanks for this, both the irony and the praise were much appreciated. I found it particularly irritating that it was Souness, whose Blackburn team were physically exceedingly rough, who led the charges against Bolton. These charges have been gleefully picked up by many of the southern media types.
Sam can continue to say and prove that we are neither a dirty side nor a team that relies too much on long ball tactics, but it is largely ignored.
To be fair to Man U- they and Alex Fergusson have always given Sam's teams a good deal of praise, even if they've lost to us.
After 20 years as a season ticket holder, through thick and thin and several divisions, I could hardly be happier with my team or the way they play.
Thanks for saying it.
Best wsihes,
Barbara
An excellent article Paul. Thanks for giving Bolton Wanderers and especially Big Sam the credit they deserve.
I for one cannot understand the criticism we have been getting recently especially as we are playing the same way as we have done for the last few seasons and were praised for our performances.
Top notch article! Especially from someone not a bolton fan themselves
Hilarious article and spot on.We certainly do not have the financial clout of most clubs but we have players who give everything and a manager who knows his stuff.
Thanks - finally an article putting our side of the story.
A good 'antidote' for all the sour grapes we have been fed recently.
A fantatsic riposte to all the Big Clubs (TM) who can't afford the patronising praise that was once lavished upon Bolton anymore.
We are not in the Premiership to make up numbers or to be this weeks' success story. Long may the complaints continue.
I'm sorry but few are against another club doing well but it would be nice if the clubs doing well actually played the game. There's a difference between playing hard and pushing the laws of the game to breaking point. Nobody is asking you to start passing it around waiting to get demolished but perhaps, just every now and then, you might want to have the occassional attempt at playing the game rather than 90 minutes spent blatantly wasting as much time as possible at every single chance you get.
I'd much rather see a team like Boro, who actually play the game, succeed in the league than your boring shower with your disgraceful tactics.
Excellent comments by Paul Hince... Bolton and their manager are a credit to English football.
They upset the big boys, and long may it continue!