YO HO ho, whatever. Chaos and bad will to all men. I’m sorry to sound like Scrooge with a hangover, but Christmas is not yet upon us and I’m already losing the will to live. It’s not the expense, the bad-tempered shoppers or the forced bonhomie, it’s the fact that I have become a crime victim twice in a week.

The first was when I signed up on the internet for a trial health product, no, not Viagra, a tooth whitening kit, for a couple of quid. The daughter and I were looking forward to a white Christmas – as in sparkling peggies – and who could resist such a bargain. It seemed too good to be true and, indeed, it was, as the Visa company explained to me when I fervently denied spending £200 at private members’ clubs in Hamburg and America. “I’m just not into lapdancing,” I wailed.

“Have you bought anything from the internet recently – a trial tooth whitening kit by any chance,” said the Visa lady. Oh, yes. “Well, you will have agreed to the company taking limitless funds out of your account. It’s in the small print.”

Whaaaat? How can that be legal? Where was the small print? It was obviously so minuscule it couldn’t be seen with the naked eye. But that is how it was and it’s happening to people all over the world. So, I had to put my case in writing to the visa company and apparently, they will dispute it with the tooth whiteners.

Who knows what the outcome will be, but I’m told cancelling my card won’t solve the problem. In the meantime, I’m refusing to pay my bill, on the premise that they can’t take anything out if there’s no credit left. So God knows what will happen in the new year. I’ll probably be in jail.

Yo ho ho and so it goes on. Earlier this week, my pink laptop, complete with Mr T sticker, went missing. I presumed it was being used by my son and his drunken mates who had staggered home, almost slamming the front door off its hinges, at 6.30am that morning. But when my daughter came home from school she discovered her laptop was gone too.

We decided to rouse the comatosed trio to reclaim them. Except they didn’t have a clue where they were. They were hardly capable of making it to the loo, let alone use a PC. That was when I noticed that someone had been in my knicker drawer (God help them if they’ve half-inched a pair of my Bridgets), my jewellery box and ripped up several envelopes, obviously looking for cash I didn’t have as it’s being used to fund visits to private members’ clubs in Hamburg and America.

 That’s when I also spotted that the back door was unlocked and had been all night and day - they don’t call me Miss Marple for nothing. I’m a bit slower than the TV detective, but I get there in the end.

“We’ve been burgled,” I screeched at the three big, daft loafers, who’d slept through the crime at Chez Cookie, “and one of you stupid lummoxes left the bloody door open.” They didn’t even have the strength to groan. Sometime later when the police arrived all three denied leaving the door open.

“Maybe, someone left the front door open,” said big dozy Steve. To which the copper shook his head and pointed out that in 25 years of policing he’d only ever come across one burglar who had the gall to come through the front door.

Ho hum, or ho humbug. But there is a happy ending to this tale of Christmas woe. I presumed my house insurance wouldn’t cover the loss because of the thicky boys’ neglect, but figured I’d try anyway. To my utter surprise, I was covered. I’ll have to pay a £50 excess and I’ll lose my no claims bonus for next year, but hurrah for Direct Line.

Happy Christmas and good will to all men....except tooth whiteners and burglars. May they choke on their festive turkey.

DUMB blonde – I can’t really think of a more fitting description for Elin Nordegren, the publicly humiliated wife of Tiger Woods. Either she’s secured some amazing financial settlement that she’s not telling anyone about, or she really is as daft as a brush. Why else would a beautiful woman stay with a man who has allegedly had 10 affairs, with more floozies crawling out of the woodwork?

And how on earth did she never suspect a thing? A man can hide one, possibly two indiscretions, if he has a talent for lying and cheating, but when he’s allegedly bedded half the golfing fraternity’s groupies it requires planning on the scale of a military operation. He must never have been at home and if he was, he must have been permanently knackered.

Elin, the product of a broken marriage, says she’s staying together for the sake of the kids. That’s a poor excuse from a woman who was so incandescent with rage that she “allegedly” broke his tooth by flinging a mobile phone at him whilst bashing his car with a golf club. I’m thinking that’s not a healthy environment for bringing up kids.

She can never forgive his multiple betrayals. If her children really are at the forefront of her mind, she owes it to them to cut and run with a huge wad of his cash.