LOST your job? Depressed on the dole? No prospects on the horizon? Then the Tories want you!

According to David Cameron, ordinary people - that's you and I - will be able to apply to be Conservative candidates at the next General Election even if we have no past involvement with the party.

It's all about giving power back to the people, but not in a socialist sort of way, more a damage limitation sort of way. It seems the Tories are that desperate to win back our trust, they'll try anything, even if it means letting a few numpties into the fold.

Now, regular readers of this column know I'm no political expert, I tend to leave that to my fellow columnists. Right now, if I had to vote in an election I'd put my cross next to the equivalent of the Monster Raving Loonies or the Jimmy Choo Appreciation Party since Labour's falling apart and all I have in common with Hazel Blears is red hair and the ability to laugh like a hyena in the face of adversity.

But according to Dave if you believe in public service, if you share Tory values, if you want to clean up politics, then a Conservative candidacy is your route to stardom.

Not surprisingly, business people and head teachers could be among those recruited. And that suggests lorry drivers or road-sweepers might be left at the bottom of the applicants pile because, living an 'ordinary life', they might have a steer on what this country needs and be able to sort it efficiently without ripping us off with Grimms' Fairy Tale expenses.

At present the party's candidates list has just over 1,000 people competing for 108 seats, but there's no worry because the unemployed of Britain are used to those kind of odds.

Anyone interested would fill out an application form setting out their CVs and reasons for standing. A desire to own three homes and a yacht without having to pay for any of them, would probably not be considered a valid reason, although there's nothing wrong with healthy political ambition.

I have no interest in the Tory party, but I'm thinking of applying to see how far I get. Surely, sounding off about family values, law and order and private enterprise can't be that hard? But, somehow I don't think I'd get far.

David Cameron may be encouraging the man in the street to come forward in a bid to restore public faith in democracy, but in reality, few will even have their CVs read. It's got to be a publicity stunt because it's already been demonstrated by all political parties that honesty's not always the best policy for those seeking a career in Westminster.

Besides, since when have politicians been interested in the opinions of the man in the street?

Harsh lesson of fiddling with friendship

I'm not normally one to gloat at failure, but I couldn't resist a quick blast of 'what goes around comes around' when I heard that Vanessa Mae clone, Su Son, was voted off Britain's Got Talent. Su was the violinist who dumped her best mate of seven years on the advice of the judges to go it alone.

As I predicted, there's no room in showbiz for two Vanessa Maes, and as the real one is about to bring out a new album and autobiography and is infinitely more talented, she never stood a chance.

It could also have been that the British public felt the same way as I do, that friendship is not something that can be manipulated for one's own gain.

No doubt, Su has already been on the phone to her old mate sobbing and begging forgiveness. I'd like to think she's big-hearted enough to open her arms.

Both girls have suffered a huge dose of national TV humility, now it's time to get back to reality and mend a friendship which has to be worth more than five minutes of fame.