WHY do I only cut myself shaving on the days when I'm trying to make a special effort to look smart? A small piece of bog roll on the face somewhat detracts from the clean shirt and new strides.

WHY do shoelaces only ever break in two at the most inconvenient moment? The last time it happened to me was having removed my shoes to pass through airport security with an anxious six-year-old who thought the guards were going to keep her pink Mickey Mouse shoes.

WHY do I only ever spill food down my light coloured shirts? I can eat a seven course Indian banquet without oozing so much as a slither of ghee on a dark grey top, but as soon as I wear a white t-shirt, it's covered in spaghetti bolognaise.

WHY is it that deodorants always run out precisely one day before you expect them to and after you've sprayed only under one arm. No matter how you hold the aerosol - upside down, at an angle, the right way up - all you get is fresh aerosol gases, no deodorant and a day when you DO half stink.

WHY do people near and dear to you only get round to telling you that "those jeans don't go with that shirt and those shoes" when you've already worn them together dozens of times?

WHY do buttons only opt to go bungee jumping from sleeves shirts and trousers on the day when you've overslept and are running late for work?

WHY is it that as I lose more hairs from my head, I seem to gain them on my ears, nose and back?

WHY is that your new and expensive designer shirt is in the same colour and style as the ones worn by the waiting staff at the restaurant where you'd hoped to make a grand entrance?

WHY do I go to the effort of wearing a dickie bow and dinner suit then arrive at the supposedly upper crust do to discover half of the guests are in much cooler looking lounge suits and shirts? Following the rules means that I look like the class swot while everybody else looks like the show-off kid at school who wore a Hugo Boss suit instead of a blazer.

WHY is that a mystery sadist takes great delight at putting paper handkerchiefs into the washing machine? The clothes might be clean, but so are the millions of specks of tissue paper all over them that take an age to get out.

What makes you cross? Email me at simon.donohue@ men-news.co.uk

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