Ooh, hang on a minute, just trying to work out the offside rule. Some 'helpful' soul has just emailed over a girl-friendly explanation involving shoes, a queue and a purse.
But, wait, I don't need it because – I have a brain. And I've seen more difficult concepts to understand on CBeebies.
It seems that not everyone finds it so easy to understand, however.
New TV comedy duo Andy Gray and Richard Keys don't quite get it. I'd never heard of the blathering bumblers with footballs for brains until 24 hours ago.
Now you can't get away from their smug mugs, laughing away at their own hilarity.
Apparently, they work as commentators for Sky Sports, although I reckon they're better suited to a career in comedy.
They do bear an uncanny resemblance to those two wizened old whingers Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets don't you think? Their sense of humour's about as dated too.
In case you've been hiding in a deep compression chamber, the pair have hit the headlines for their shamelessly sexist comments about female linesman Sian Massey.
“Can you believe that? A female linesman. Women don't know the offside rule,” quipped Gray as they joked that somebody better explain it to her.
No, what somebody should really explain is how these two dithering dinosaurs ended up with such a plum TV gig.
Not that an explanation's really necessary, as we all know that's another of football's seemingly inexplicable rules.
That it's a sport doomed to be dominated by miserable old male chauvinists who jealously guard their territory – on the pitch and on the airwaves – as though they were playing for England and women were Germany.
As it turns out, Sian Massey understood the offside rule much clearer than that pair of jokers, as her match decision was vindicated as correct.
Shame her starring role as one of the pitifully few female officials had to be overshadowed by such poor sportsmanship off the pitch.
In their defence, fans of Gray and Keys are mumbling something about it not being a big deal, as they weren't on air at the time. For me, that actually makes it worse.
It just shows that what the famous faces of football say about equality in public – and what they think in private – are two very different things.
As with so many male-dominated professions where girls are pilloried for having a go or patronised when they succeed.
And it's that kind of backroom bigotry that makes the beautiful game an ugly world for women to work in.
In a strange kind of way, though, I reckon this indiscreet duo have done us all a favour.
Only hours before their gaffe, West Ham United vice chairman Karren Brady had written about sexism in the sport.
By singling her out in the same tirade as another target for their testosterone-fuelled fun, this pair simply made her point all the more powerful.
As own goals go, they don't come better than that.
What do you think? Have your say.
Richard Keys and Andy Gray scandal has done everyone a favour
January 25, 2011
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Get a life Helen. If I could hear everything youve ever said I would bet there are a few howlers in there? So much hypocrisy about at the moment. We will be having McCarthy style show trials next.
Give them a reprimand and a warning and move on. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill. I bet you could hear versions of their comments all around the ground - but not meant in any hurtful or spiteful manner. What about all of the journalists who stereotype all males as lazy sods who never do anything to help out in the house. Grow up and stop living with a huge chip on your shoulder
Am I right in thinking you're going to also write an article about Loose Women, and how they have a pop at the male race at every opportunity?
To say this has been blown out of proportion is an understatement, they were only saying what millions of men say every weekend whilst watching the football down the pub. It was 'banter', they were merely having a joke off air. Do you HONESTLY believe they thought that the lineswomen didn't know the offside rule, even though she was officiating a Premier League match? This is a male dominated sport, and the attitudes of those that watch and partcipate are of this nature, if you don't like it...perhaps stick to womens football?
Miss Massey has taken no offence to this, she probably hears things ten times worse from the stands. You and your PC brigade will take the fun out of everything given half the chance.
The comments made are exactly the same as any made in a room full of males, and as a male dominated sport you have to accept that these are the type of comments that will be made. If women want to officiate and infiltrate Mens football, which I have absolutely no objection to, you need to lighten up and laugh at these types of comments, make a joke back about how 'men can't do 2 things at once' if you like!
But please, don't try and change our sport, and the nature in which it is watched and enjoyed by men all over the country. We don't try change the way you do the hoovering afterall. (JOKE).
Joke presenters for a joke football channel. Their biased blathering is pathetic. Glad this shows them up for the 1970's-man imbiciles they are.
Helen Tither, instead of stirring it up even more, try considering the fact they have also done Sian Massey a massive favor to their own detriment,,, why? because no one had even heard of Sian Massey before the weekend, and now they have, thanks to those two idiots.
The old saying, "There is no such thing as bad publicity" apply's here.
If anything your article is just as bad as Andy Gray and Richard Keys comments.
Cheers Helen love, no sugar in my coffee!
Fast forward five years. Sepp Blatter,chief bent idot of FIFA,issues an edict that every football club must have at least five women in their squad. This is in response to the European Equality Commission's demand for equal status for women. Obviously it would require that clubs must have His and Hers home and away dressing rooms. The edict goes further by stating that swearing and sexist remarks be banned from all grounds in order to avoid offending women!
Fast forward ten years and all live football will be pay per view. Football crowds will comprise of a specially selected invited audience in order to provide atmosphere -- like a TV game show --with 50% of the audience being female!
Why Karen Brady is moaning,I don't know! She has worked for Gold and Sullivan for the past twenty years or so,porn merchants who made their money exploiting young women! She should talk!
Andy Gray should be sacked,if only for being biased against United but not for a bit of banter! Similar banter occurs on the excellent Soccer AM on Sky! Keys is a great presenter and if he goes,we may get lumbered with the ghastly Adrian Childes!
So can you explain it (offside rule) Helen?
anything to get rid of andy grey and his anti man utd comments.
I agree the coverage is OTT
Moan about PC all you like but it exists for a reason, because people did not want to give anyone outside the white male heterosexual paradigm a chance.
You'll have noticed they still have their jobs.
And it wasn't banter it was pure bigotry.
Going on like a bloomin washer women.....
I don't understand why these men needed to comment on the sex of the linesman any more than they needed to comment on the colour of their skin. We are still in the 21st century, aren't we?
"You mean white male hetrosexuals didn't want to give anyone else a chance because as you say, they were the only ones getting a chance, ahh but then again it is these same people that abolished slavery, gave rights to other individuals."
Thankyou white male hetrosexuals, we all owe you one.
A lot of straight men think they are superior to women. It's the only way they can perform.
It's pathetic.
As an ex Referee can I just say that I totally love women getting into the game.Andy Gray has been for years too big for his boots and good riddance.
As for women in football it is a well known fact that the largest ever crowd to attend a sporting event in America was the 120k who watched the Ladies World Cup final a couple of years ago.
Move on,racists kicked out of the game,now the sexists
So what they have said in what they believed to be a private conversation is a step too far but in your own admission to pass judgements on a publication such as the MEN on people you hadn't even heard of 24 hours ago and certainly have not met in person is perfectly acceptable???
And are you not being prejudiced when stating "their testosterone-fuelled fun" as if that can be stereotyped as male behaviour of this manner.....
Good girl Helen - write what your told to.......
Think on, next time you mention "men not being able to multi-task" or "men not asking for direcitons", because it could be the end of your career.!!!!
"Ooh, hang on a minute, just trying to work out the offside rule. Some 'helpful' soul has just emailed over a girl-friendly explanation involving shoes, a queue and a purse. "
Was that while you saw fit to wear thigh high boots and a mini skirt to your interview , I wonder ?
Playing the girly card Heather....you are as bad as both of them. Sackings all round.
Anything they said (and I have listened to all of it) doesn't come close to your 'way over the top' offensive remarks here.
The fact you haven'e even heard of them until now says it all, so keep your bitchy nattering comments for whoever you normally reserve them for.
Many good points made. Your miles more offensive, but will you lose your job??
Makes me think this is about time men kicked up a fuss every time women made derogatory comments about them on TV, which is virtually all the time.
Come on put my comments on here, answer me.
How come you get to keep your job huh?
It's about time men did get offended, because if things were equal, there would be an awful lot of women on TV getting sacked or reprimanded.
Of course things are not equal. This is a society dominated by women.
I agree Gray and Keys were out of order and glad they're getting the boot for their dinosauric views. But I wonder how long it will be before women get pulled up for their views on men..just watch Loose Women - how they get away with the derogatory statements and generisation of men is just as bad. Men can't change nappies and
Double standards !
Men can't look after children ?
Women don't know the offside rule ?
Actually alot of them do.
A bit of respect all round in the public forum is called don't you think ?
"It just shows that what the famous faces of football say about equality in public – and what they think in private – are two very different things"
What people think 'in private' is just that - private. Whether it suits you or not.
I don't see any clamour for the Soccerette feature to be removed from Soccer AM - Gray and Keys can't hold a candle to such blatant mysogyny, yet not an eyelid is batted.
Explain.
Gray was employed as a pundit, and a pundit's job is to give his opinion.
He should be allowed to say what he thinks.
If pundits and commentators are going to be censored, then we should do without them altogether, and have silence instead.
It's a breath of fresh air to hear somebody being offensive on radio or TV.
Too many of our TV and radio presenters and commentators are too bland, too sanitised, and too boring.
There is not enough controversy, not enough offensiveness, not enough honest opinions are expressed, and there is insufficient freedom of speech.
The worshipping of the God Political Correctness has gone too far.
I disagree with Gray, but let him say whatever he wants.
regards
James.
This is a very sad journalism, and if anything you are driving more men to poke fun at women because of your view point...
Articles like this do more damage to women than those too muppets ever would...niether of them are MENSA candidates......., but obviously you have never watched thier shows or you would not have given them the time of day....
As a baby-boomer, you should know better!
Ps.... it would be good of the MEN if they alternated your column space with a male , just to get a balanced view of life.